@SamDelanche

My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.

You Might Also Like

@causticbob

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

@eyeswidebutt

[hanging out w mob]
“Tony sleeps with the fishes”
*they all laugh*
[self conscious about my sexual habits w fish]: its not a big deal guys

@MAngelo505

My doctor says I should lose 10 lbs and work out more. But why? Spanx launched a men’s line.

@Tipocazzuto

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

@WilliamAder

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

@Browtweaten

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

@kwirkyKerri

Then Satan said, “Let’s convince everyone they need to go gluten free.” And that kids, was the Christmas fiasco of 2015.

@Beatonm5

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

@MissNaughty1801

Him:I’m not going to use this taxi company again. They nearly killed me this morning
Me:don’t be so hasty darling…give them another chance