Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
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“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
The fall of Netflix
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”