@SamDelanche

My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.

My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.

- @SamDelanche

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@Northside_Mike

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

@StarksWeek

I’m not saying I’m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I’ll probably do whatever you want

@sexypitabread

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

@Sickayduh

What color do you think Eddie Smurphy was?

Blue, you racists

@3sunzzz

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

@onelongbender

Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.

@superdadatron

Lies I’ll never stop telling:

1. I’d never put you in a home, mom.

2. It’s 6 inches long.

3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.

@thepaulahunt

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

@lwhit_the_boss

A girl told me how hard it is for her to gain weight. I said it’s hard for me NOT to. We had a good laugh & then I punched her in the face.