I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
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swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?