My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

You Might Also Like


Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA


Her: Choke me!

Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.


Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.


I was riding a horse once and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it — everyone on the carousel freaked out.


I just unzipped my skinny jeans and it startled me like a freshly poked tube of biscuit dough.


Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.


I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.


Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts