@SaraESpivey

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

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@TheCatWhisprer

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

@whiskeyinadram

Her: Choke me!

Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.

@ericsshadow

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

@KKBowls

I was riding a horse once and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it — everyone on the carousel freaked out.

@GawdOffalTweets

I just unzipped my skinny jeans and it startled me like a freshly poked tube of biscuit dough.

@TheBoydP

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

@WheelTod

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

@TheBabylonBee

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts