Goodnight wifi connected devices
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
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Her: Choke me!
Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I was riding a horse once and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it — everyone on the carousel freaked out.
I just unzipped my skinny jeans and it startled me like a freshly poked tube of biscuit dough.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
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