My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
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Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
meanwhile over on facebook
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx