@SaraESpivey: My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He's mad now.
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@Holy_Mowgli: restaurant owner: you start on monday me: I can't wait restaurant owner: I don't think this will work out then
@JaneBadall: My son approaches even small chores with the enthusiasm of a POW forced to build a railway bridge over the river Kwai.
@stephenjmolloy: Cop: "Are you driving under the influence?" Me: "No." Cop: "Say the alphabet backwards." Me: "Tebahpla eht."
@clichedout: ME: can i start digging? SOCIETY: wtf no that's grave robbing [waits an hour] ME: how about now? SOCIETY: ok now it's archaeology