@AllieA

My boss just sent me the heart eyes emoji. Since we’re clearly being honest with each other I replied with a monkey with a gun to its head.

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@caithuls

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

@OctopusCaveman

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

@jaboukie

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

@UnFitz

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

@MissBee73

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

@_elvishpresley_

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man