Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My boss just sent me the heart eyes emoji. Since we’re clearly being honest with each other I replied with a monkey with a gun to its head.
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If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man