Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
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“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏