My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
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Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.