@ArfMeasures

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

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@DaddyJew

Me: I’m gonna be late

Boss: why?

Me: *stealthily following a chicken after it crossed the road* I’m solving a mystery

@GrillinChillin9

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

@jordanalexissss

sober in uber: please stop talking to me
drunk in uber: …and that Mike, is why I’m emotionally unavailable I suppose.

@shutupheav

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

@markleggett

MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much…
GROUND CONTROL: She knows.
MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now?
GROUND CONTROL: Bye, Tom.

@Soberphobiccc

Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope’s car.

@therealeatwood

Day 1: injected self with mouse DNA

Day 2: ate 12 blocks of cheese

Day 3: 15 blocks

Day 4: experiment is failure; no observable changes

@Contwixt

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

@living_marble

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.