My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
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Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Support your local cemetery
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.