@ArfMeasures

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

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@simoncholland

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

@bad_as_you_want

My boss said , “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume

@krisv_723

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

@hazelmotes1

Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with “daaaaad I have to peeeeee”

@paigellwanger97

i could miss 4 days of school in a row in HS and have all A’s and you zone out for 38 seconds in college and ur grade goes from a B to a G

@drankturpentine

*a jerk swings a hammer at me but i duck and hold up a birdhouse that’s one nail tap shy of being finished*

@NikatNiteNite

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

@markpopham

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

@awesomeseank

Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.