My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

You Might Also Like


Me: I’m gonna be late

Boss: why?

Me: *stealthily following a chicken after it crossed the road* I’m solving a mystery


Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.


sober in uber: please stop talking to me
drunk in uber: …and that Mike, is why I’m emotionally unavailable I suppose.


Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.


MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much…
MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now?


Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope’s car.


Day 1: injected self with mouse DNA

Day 2: ate 12 blocks of cheese

Day 3: 15 blocks

Day 4: experiment is failure; no observable changes


I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.


“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.