My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
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No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
🛁
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Muppet Screams
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.