*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
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Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35