@Wine_Honey1

My boss said that we could go outside during the solar eclipse, but no time limit was given

*takes 8 hour lunch break
*raids liquor store

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@OfficeofSteve

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

@shopkins776

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

@kipconlon

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

@hazelmotes1

Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn’t she?

@Kendragarden

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

@Donna_McCoy

I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

@topaz006

I hate waiting in line. I wish this guy would hurry up and pick a suspect.

@kwirkyKerri

You don’t need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.

@EndhooS

Deer: I have a proposal for you
Rabbit: I’m all ears
Deer: HAHA I get it, cuz of the whole big ears thing
Rabbit: That’s pretty hurtful Jeff