@TheMichaelRock

My boss said to “treat customers like you treat your mother”, so I haven’t answered my phone in a month and I have 74 unheard voicemails.

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@njlitigator

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

@mortimermaiden

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

@Sophie2078

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

@ibid78

“I sound nothing like that when I cry.” -doves

@LoveNLunchmeat

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

@Cpin42

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

@TheTweetOfGod

Distant galaxies are speeding away from the Milky Way at an ever-accelerating velocity just to get the hell away from you.

@Birdhumms

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!