GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
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I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Bootstraps
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?