Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
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Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)