My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
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A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?