Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
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When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
[ugly sweater contest]
*takes home the gold*
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that