@ClichedOut

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

@Jarhead44

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

@dave_cactus

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

@robfee

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

@WilliamAder

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

@ItsAndyRyan

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

@dafloydsta

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

@DrakeGatsby

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

@uhhmmily

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that