CW: I like your scarf.
Me: Thanks, it’s a CVS receipt. I didn’t know what else to do with it.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
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I’m playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
[interview with girl at dating agency]
i get shy around pretty girls
[girl smiles brushing hair from her face]
“are you shy now”
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Having children really brought me and my wife closer together.
We have a common enemy now.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
First day as waiter
Boss: Can you clear table 5?
Me: Well I haven’t done track and field since high school but. *runs at table..