My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

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CW: I like your scarf.
Me: Thanks, it’s a CVS receipt. I didn’t know what else to do with it.


I’m playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.


Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.


Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.


[interview with girl at dating agency]
i get shy around pretty girls
[girl smiles brushing hair from her face]
“are you shy now”
not really


*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?


Having children really brought me and my wife closer together.

We have a common enemy now.


Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.


First day as waiter

Boss: Can you clear table 5?
Me: Well I haven’t done track and field since high school but. *runs at table..