My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
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The internet is magic sometimes.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Every. Damn. Time.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
But I really needed water water water
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early