Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
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I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.