You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
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dude it’s called proctologist
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot