My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
You Might Also Like
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline