My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
You Might Also Like
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once