My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

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MUGGER: Empty your pockets

ME: Do I have to?


ME: [pulls out heart locket with pic of robber inside]

MUGGER: [wipes away single tear with his knife]


Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time


Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!


Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.


[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now


“Well boy,” I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, “naming you E.T. clearly wasn’t enough.”


Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.


*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”


On phone:

GF: We’re breaking up…
Me: I can hear you fine!
GF: It’s not you, it’s me…
Me: Did you get a new provider?
GF: Kinda… Bye!