@sixfootcandy

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

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@chuuew

MUGGER: Empty your pockets

ME: Do I have to?

MUGGER: NOW

ME: [pulls out heart locket with pic of robber inside]

MUGGER: [wipes away single tear with his knife]

@PaperWash

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

@RobDenBleyker

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

@lawbsterfest

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

@climaxximus

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

@ruinedpicnic

“Well boy,” I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, “naming you E.T. clearly wasn’t enough.”

@mom_tho

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

@mommajessiec

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

@PortRooster

On phone:

GF: We’re breaking up…
Me: I can hear you fine!
GF: It’s not you, it’s me…
Me: Did you get a new provider?
GF: Kinda… Bye!