My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
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*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works