@Mayhem_Monica

My boss told me to dress for the job I want; not the job I have. I’m now in a disciplinary meeting for wearing my Batman costume to work.

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@Contwixt

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

@Offensivehere

Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.

@pilau

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

@AaronFullerton

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

@PatsATweetin

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

@UnFitz

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

@VodkaThursday

U just HAD to be polite & hold the elevator for me. I could have had a nice, quiet ride alone. Instead, I had to be polite & talk about fall

@nutsaremixed

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

@tsm560

*thinks happy thoughts*

*throws pixie dust in your eyes*

*flies off with all your money*