I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
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the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
real
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.