@scot4bz

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

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@Playing_Dad

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

@Kappa_Kappa

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

@ClichedOut

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

@LuckoftheDraw86

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

@SomthinBoutSara

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

@climaxximus

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

@davidkenny100

When I was growing up, my mum was always saying “you can do it!”

Like when I was asking who was cooking dinner for example

@bwebster76

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

@zachv86

*speaks at high school graduation*

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