My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

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I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.


MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm


[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.


“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”


Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.


Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”


ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.