My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.