My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

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I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?


One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.


Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.


E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep: *folder meows*


Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”


god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier


When I was growing up, my mum was always saying “you can do it!”

Like when I was asking who was cooking dinner for example


Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.


*speaks at high school graduation*

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