@scot4bz

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

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@envydatropic

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

@bornmiserable

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

@JediGigi

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

@realoverheardla

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

@Tmoney68

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

@squirrel74wkgn

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

@dave_cactus

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.