My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
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Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to shit.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.