Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
You Might Also Like
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.