@TEXASVETERAN

My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?!

Me: Because my bed is at home.

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@DavidRaymondT

I want a relationship like from Up.

She dies and I get a flying house.

@perfect_boxx

I was asked to name my top 10 most favorite books.

I don’t have 10 so I just started naming insects.

@Donna_McCoy

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

@Fred_Delicious

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

@proEXgirlfriend

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

@AlmightyBored

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

@timdonakowski

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

@DanMentos

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys