Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?!
Me: Because my bed is at home.
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Wow, what a day. I volunteered at a soup kitchen, caught up on my scrapbookin’, went 2 baby shower, ran 9 miles, then told lies on twitter.
IF SIMBA COULD GROW TO THE SIZE OF A HEALTHY ADULT LION EATING BUGS THEN SO CAN I
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Black Mirror really outdid themselves this time. Having us experience season 6 instead of watching it on Netflix. Outstanding. 👏🏾
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
It’s so hot outside I almost called my ex over so I could stand by something shady.
Pennywise got his name because he’s very savvy financially.
He lives in the sewer to avoid paying rent, and he eats kids instead of buying groceries.