@thecrabbyhook: You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she's allergic to owls.

@lildandeli0n: I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this *Pushes salad aside*

@Brentweets: You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

@DeanB15: I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied "No, you got that from your mother". :(

@Home_Halfway: I always have a nightlight on when I go to bed in case someone breaks in and wants to see how cute I look when I'm sleeping.