@TEXASVETERAN
@prufrockluvsong
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
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@prufrockluvsong
@CopBroughtPizza
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
@TabooBooSF
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
@Reverend_Scott
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
@clichedout
her: what’s up
me: i’m in my car driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no like what location
me: driver’s side
@fillthevacuum
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
@audipenny
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
@FroggyGonnaJump
She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.
@Humor_Fetish
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
@bobvulfov
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―