[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?!
Me: Because my bed is at home.
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I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
her: what’s up
me: i’m in my car driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no like what location
me: driver’s side
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―