@TEXASVETERAN
@DavidRaymondT I want a relationship like from Up.
She dies and I get a flying house.
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@DavidRaymondT 
@perfect_boxx I was asked to name my top 10 most favorite books.
I don’t have 10 so I just started naming insects.
@Donna_McCoy You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
@Fred_Delicious When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
@ruinedpicnic [a girl favs my tweet]
[goes to pharmacy]
one condom please
@proEXgirlfriend Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
@AlmightyBored I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
@TumbIrHumor someone do this to my school
@timdonakowski Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
@DanMentos “So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys