ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
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Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.