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@TEXASVETERAN: My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?!
Me: Because my bed is at home.
@thecrabbyhook: You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she's allergic to owls.
@lildandeli0n: I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this
*Pushes salad aside*
@Brentweets: You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
@DeanB15: I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied "No, you got that from your mother". :(
@Home_Halfway: I always have a nightlight on when I go to bed in case someone breaks in and wants to see how cute I look when I'm sleeping.