@TEXASVETERAN

My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?!

Me: Because my bed is at home.

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@Parkerlawyer

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

@CelebrityChez

Wow, what a day. I volunteered at a soup kitchen, caught up on my scrapbookin’, went 2 baby shower, ran 9 miles, then told lies on twitter.

@SeanBlazed

IF SIMBA COULD GROW TO THE SIZE OF A HEALTHY ADULT LION EATING BUGS THEN SO CAN I

@WheelTod

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

@jerichobetton

Black Mirror really outdid themselves this time. Having us experience season 6 instead of watching it on Netflix. Outstanding. 👏🏾

@darrinfb

It’s so hot outside I almost called my ex over so I could stand by something shady.

@Home_Halfway

Pennywise got his name because he’s very savvy financially.

He lives in the sewer to avoid paying rent, and he eats kids instead of buying groceries.