I want a relationship like from Up.
She dies and I get a flying house.
My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?!
Me: Because my bed is at home.
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I was asked to name my top 10 most favorite books.
I don’t have 10 so I just started naming insects.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
[a girl favs my tweet]
[goes to pharmacy]
one condom please
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
someone do this to my school
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys