@TEXASVETERAN

My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?!

Me: Because my bed is at home.

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@prufrockluvsong

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

@clichedout

her: what’s up

me: i’m in my car driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no like what location

me: driver’s side

@fillthevacuum

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

@audipenny

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

@FroggyGonnaJump

She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.

@Humor_Fetish

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

@bobvulfov

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―