Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
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That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs