My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
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*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
☺️
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*