@tayandmae

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

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@TheMichaelRock

Me: you like that? *takes out trash*

Wife: ooooh

Me *starts vacuuming the living room*

Wife: oh my god, don’t stop

@CastAwayKristen

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

@JohnLyonTweets

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

@aveuaskew

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

@SteveKoehler22

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

@_SingleBabyMama

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

@girlontapas

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

@TechnicallyRon

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

@Cheeseboy22

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”