My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

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Me: you like that? *takes out trash*

Wife: ooooh

Me *starts vacuuming the living room*

Wife: oh my god, don’t stop


“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.


Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.


*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*


The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”



As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.


I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.


My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample


My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”