My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
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New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*