@Kcamp_95

My boyfriend broke up with because I make too many Linkin Park references, but in the end it doesn’t even matter.

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@JessicaVarsity

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

@jobrowneyes

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

@13spencer

Have you guys seen that great television show, “Candy Crush Saga With The Sound From Another Television Show Playing In The Background?”

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

@mom_tho

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

@GreenishDuck

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

@patnspankme

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

@bitterlittleman

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

@KeetPotato

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”