I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.