My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

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The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.


Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..


5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*


T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said


I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting


Wife*outside bathroom door*:”I can hear ur keyboard clicking away. U tweeting in there?”
Me*pauses knitting*:”Uh, Ya”


Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph


Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.