My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
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I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Its true…
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.