@i_Lean

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

You Might Also Like

@Tmoney68

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

@KBChicken75

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

@mikejanson2

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

@dksc4life

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

@ItsSamG

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

@d_duhwit

Wife*outside bathroom door*:”I can hear ur keyboard clicking away. U tweeting in there?”
Me*pauses knitting*:”Uh, Ya”

@meganamram

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

@daddydoubts

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.