My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
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You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Body by Oreos
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.