@SondraDeeMe

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

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@RexHuppke

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

@thenatewolf

*stuck in elevator with beautiful woman*

I know it’s only been 10 minutes but I’m gonna take a poop ok?

@ScarletWLand

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

@TweetPotato314

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

@str8upjuggahos

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

@OBiiieeee

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

@thatcarlygirl

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

@therealeatwood

All I wanna do is

*bang*
*bang*
*bang*
*bang*
*gun cocks*
*cash register*

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