My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

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Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don’t even star my tweets.


Toaster settings:

No.1: “I do nothing.”
No.2: “I do nothing.”
No.3: “I do nothing.”


[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you


Friend: If Nicki Minaj, Ke$ha, Nickelback, and Creed all died in a plane crash who would you miss the most?
Me: the pilot


The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.


Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.


Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.


Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.


boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean


“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”