Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

I’m calling the cops.

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

When news reporters do sports stories