My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
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9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
men what’s stopping you from looking like this