My boyfriend insists he told me something a few days ago and I know he didn’t.

*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*

*For the love of God- don’t say it*

Must have been your other girlfriend

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Just saw a dog with three legs. He did have a fourth leg, but he also had three legs.


My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.


If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.


I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”


Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow


One thing you can count on: For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.


*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.


The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings


On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot