@Goldishocks

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

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@KyleMcDowell86

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

@Thedudish

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

@KirillWasHere

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

@Home_Halfway

“State your name”
Ted Cruz
“Where are you from?”
Texas
“Your wife’s name”
Heidi
“Your first zodiac murder”
1968
“Thank you”
You’re welc-WAIT

@shutupmikeginn

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

@AimeeHelene1

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

@AndyAsAdjective

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

@VisionBored1

My kid asked why we eat so much bacon so I told him it’s a vegetable

@Shame_Is

doctor: u are overweight
me: hah yeah
doc: ok drop your pants
me: ur giving mixed messages doc!
doc:
me:
doc:
me: so do u like the Indians

@GirlPetunia

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..