Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
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coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.
I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife.
Wife: What you doing?
Husband: Missing you.