@Jenny4ashley

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

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@kelkulus

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

@_ElvishPresley_

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

@Breadery

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

@TheAngryMailGuy

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

@nachosarah

my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party

@MetteAngerhofer

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

@realHamOnWry

I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.

@qwertying

I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife.

*wife phones*

Wife: What you doing?

Husband: Missing you.