My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
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what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.