My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
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i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
next level snooze
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.