My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

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Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.


her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer


nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…


If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.


I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit.

And all I did was sign up.


All of your inspirational tweets make me want to track you down and pee on something you love.


RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is