Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
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her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
The Sun’s probably Asian.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit.
And all I did was sign up.
All of your inspirational tweets make me want to track you down and pee on something you love.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is