My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
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Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.