My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

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Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.


Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job


A policeman came into my house and told me to put my hands up.I told him that he wasn’t a DJ and we laughed and laughed and now I’m in jail.


Women’s magazines:

20 pages “accept yourself”

40 pages “loose 30kgs in 4 weeks”

Cake recipes..


if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.


“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail


so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement


I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.


It’s fine to eat chicken with skin but serve beef with skin and everybody just starts freaking out.