My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
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mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now