@claire_mudie

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

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@neiltyson

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

@RedRegenerated

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

@JayJazzi

A policeman came into my house and told me to put my hands up.I told him that he wasn’t a DJ and we laughed and laughed and now I’m in jail.

@heroinsdemise

Women’s magazines:

20 pages “accept yourself”

40 pages “loose 30kgs in 4 weeks”

And
Cake recipes..

@WhitneyCummings

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

@atDevin

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

@dril

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

@eddiepepitone

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

@kumailn

It’s fine to eat chicken with skin but serve beef with skin and everybody just starts freaking out.