An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
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[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
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Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Yup….perfect score!
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS