Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
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You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job