DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I don’t know what to do with my arms when I’m running, should I fold them?
I call my smoke detector gordon ramsay because it screams at me every time I cook
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
May your coffee kick in before reality does.
Just because a guy wants to see you naked it doesn’t mean anything, I know a guy who drove 2 days to see a donkey show.