@Ideal_Victoria

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

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@Sassafrantz

I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”

@Smug_Lemur

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

@elle91

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

@MarlonBrandNO

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

@jonnysun

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

@kumailn

We can find water on Mars but we can’t something completely unrelated?

@thesulk

Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.

@TheAlexNevil

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

@TheDreamGhoul

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

@RunOldMan

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.