My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
You Might Also Like
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
🤣🤣💀
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.