@Ideal_Victoria

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

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@dave_cactus

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

@AimeeHelene1

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

@littlekitnerboy

I don’t know what to do with my arms when I’m running, should I fold them?

@notfunnyelle

I call my smoke detector gordon ramsay because it screams at me every time I cook

@runawaycupcake

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

@pittdave13

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

@iwearaonesie

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

@ParasiteHilton

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

@FSUSteve

Just because a guy wants to see you naked it doesn’t mean anything, I know a guy who drove 2 days to see a donkey show.