I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
We can find water on Mars but we can’t something completely unrelated?
Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.