My boyfriend: *leaves the room*

The fbi agent in my webcam: No I totally see what you mean.

Me: right? He’s weird today. How’s your husband?

FBI agent: he wants us to open our marriage

Me: that’s rough janet.

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If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.


“Cute cat, what’s it’s name?”

Too-ra-loo-ra, but you have to sing, or she won’t come

“Um ok,🎶 Too-ra-l”



I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..


I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account


Why do countries “cut ties”
when things get tense ?

So weird having men walk around
in suits and half ties.


A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.


I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.


Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly


a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do