Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
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Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.