If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
My boyfriend: *leaves the room*
The fbi agent in my webcam: No I totally see what you mean.
Me: right? He’s weird today. How’s your husband?
FBI agent: he wants us to open our marriage
Me: that’s rough janet.
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*gently runs finger down your cheek
*checks finger for dust
“Cute cat, what’s it’s name?”
Too-ra-loo-ra, but you have to sing, or she won’t come
“Um ok,🎶 Too-ra-l”
SHE WON’T COME! IT’S A CAT! HAHA
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Why do countries “cut ties”
when things get tense ?
So weird having men walk around
in suits and half ties.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do