Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
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I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.