My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
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love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!