Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
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50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter