If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
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Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.