Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
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I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”