Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
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Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*
This killed me
As a child whenever I asked my parents to close the closet at night they always said. “Why? Anything that could kill you can open that door”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I’m amazed I haven’t tried to date it yet