@AngelaEhh

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

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@anerdonfire2

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

@Bob_Janke

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

@earnestaugust

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

@3_livi

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

@

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

@iwearaonesie

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

@Fred_Delicious

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”