@AngelaEhh

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

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@YWIR

Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile

@ArtConDee

Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*

@plethoricjake

As a child whenever I asked my parents to close the closet at night they always said. “Why? Anything that could kill you can open that door”

@ErinChack

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

@_Rewhan

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

@TheWoodenslurpy

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

@sarawrencomedy

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

@lwhit_the_boss

The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I’m amazed I haven’t tried to date it yet