My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
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if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
My dress code is business-casualty.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Best spot.. 😅
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.